New Beginning

There was an afternoon when I was going through my divorce that I truly felt I could handle the pain and anger no longer. I knelt down at the side of my bed and in tears and frustration begged my Father in Heaven for help, I didn't know what help, I just knew I could bare it no longer. After a few minutes, I felt peace, a complete relief of all that I had felt in the moments before, and as I knelt pondering it – I suddenly felt an overwhelming love, and self confidence. The self confidence came from a feeling from my Father in Heaven that I had done my best, that even if though there was more I could have done – He, my Father in Heaven, was happy with my efforts, and He loved me. These feelings, this knowledge, sustained me through the rest of my divorce process, and the months following.

I have thought much about that incident. From that time forward I was able to feel peace about my divorce and live happily from day to day, trusting completely in the Father whom had taught me a valuable lesson in showing His love for me. I have wondered about applying this same confidence to other life issues, and wondered what I might be able to accomplish if I knew whom I was in my Father in Heavens eye's, and trusted His love could carry me through anything.

Since I was a young girl I have had no self confidence in my physical self. Starting sixth grade I weighed about 76 pounds and was the same size as any other little girl. I was often complimented on my looks and I remember starting out that year feeling confident that I could “go out” with any boy in the class I chose (meaning at that time that we would make it official by declaring it to each other, and then delving into our relationship by looking at each other on the play ground – possibly even talking every once in a while). The first month school started I came down with the flu, and then other illness' which ended up keeping me home in bed for many months (I had, had Epistien Bar virus the year previous). By that following Spring I weighed 114 pounds, not a normal weight for a girl of my height and age. I remember the weight so specifically because my mother had taken me into a Doctors appointment and watched as I stood on the scale, and then as soon as my nurse had us seated in the room and had left, my mother turned to me with, anger visible in her whole demeanor, and whispered loudly, “114 pounds?! I've never weighed that in my whole life! That is embarrassing Jennica.” I can not justify my mothers behavior, nor can I condemn it, I have watched similar behavior from her own mother. Through many such incidences I learned to be ashamed of myself.

I believe to achieve physical health, not only losing my fat, but freedom from the illness' that have recently plagued my family and I, I must first change my belief in myself. I must learn to believe in who I am from my Father in Heavens perspective. I believe more important than anything else I might apply during this journey, is this. As a young girl I learned to believe I was an embarrassment, it was my fault I was the way I was (although there is truth in that - it taught me to feel I was no better than that). I was ashamed of myself, and believed every feeling that sprung from a short life time of guilt, shame, and dieting. At the time of my divorce I could understand such a powerful and meaningful experience, I could understand the neccesity of believing in myself, in order to move forward. I believe it will be learning to have faith that such an experience, such a belief, is possible in each of my trials, that will determine my success in my health. I don't believe, belief in myself is something I can just choose to have, but I know I can choose to trust how my Father in Heaven feels about me, and through that trust, in time my own beliefs can become His. I am trusting that in time I will be able to forgive my mother for years of shame she (knowingly or unknowingly) put me through; I will be able to accept there was much more I could have done as a young girl; and I will be able accept who I have chosen to be today. I believe through this I will be able to move forward, letting the past be in the past, and today be a new beginning.

I am starting this journey at 133.2 lbs, my goal weight is between 110 - 120, whatever my body evens out at when I have achieved health.

-Jennica M. Smith